there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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