he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
ttyl tear gas
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
