Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
