Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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