I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
