ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
