I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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