Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
