I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
