So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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