dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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