Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
