I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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