??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
