Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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