I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
