even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Randomize
