You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
