My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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