Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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