I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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