he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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