we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You are a genius and a whore.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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