Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
