I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
