That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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