I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
