If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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