Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
