im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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