I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
