watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize