I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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