how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
