direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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