maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
