Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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