my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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