your parents love me but you hate me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need to calm my uterus...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
