Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
