mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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