I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
