sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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