She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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