Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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