and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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