I'm lost and stupid without you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Shame - the story of my life.
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