so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
