We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
