Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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