My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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