Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
