Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
