I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
