the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
