The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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