Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
