So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
